Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
