Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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