My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Houston, we have a blender
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
