when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
