I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
