I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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