Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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