My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
