Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize