so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
