Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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