dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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