we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
