So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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