Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
