I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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