K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
