I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
