If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
3pm strippers are depressing
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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