Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
