some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
