saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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