I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
