She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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