it's too hot outside to masturbate.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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