Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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