So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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