Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
