I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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