Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
