if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
