I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
