I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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