well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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