Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just high enough for therapy.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
