This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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