I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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