I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
