I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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