I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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