Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
