I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
