My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
