So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
