youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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