Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
