You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
