i just sent this text using only my big toe
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
