I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
