It's Friday. Sex?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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