My Higher Power is John Stamos
You can't special order awesome
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
