every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
