his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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