He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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