Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
